Jewels:
[13:54] He can help defuse your energy.
Taylor:
[13:55] He diffuses it by like not getting worked up and feeding off my energy, but like in a situation where I can tell that he’s upset with me and he doesn’t necessarily admit to it, I have to pry it out of him, where I’m like, I know you’re upset.
Becca:
[14:12] Is there a way that you make them feel safe to say these things, like how do you make them feel comfortable to do it?
Taylor:
[14:14] It’s not… I just talk about it. I’m like, we’ll… it’s just a lot, like, I just have to keep, like, no work, we need to discuss this, because clearly it’s weighing on you, and, like, I know that you keep saying that you’re fine, but I can tell by the body language and that in the remark you just made that you’re not actually fine, and, I would rather… I’m not going to get upset if you’re mad at me, we will get we’ll all get over it. Trust me, I’m more upset that you’re not telling me how you really feel. And with my upbringing, my family was very open and loud and like, we argued with each other all the time. Like to me, confrontation is not an issue, but with my… with Joey or with my partner, he grew up in a very different situation. It’s really hard, I think, for people to learn to communicate uncomfortable feelings.
Jewels:
[15:12] I think both of those can be really hard, because you can have two non-confrontational people who will never broach the subject and you’re gonna have two confrontational people who get so heated at each other that they never reach a resolution, right? And then you can have the mix of those things, which also is very difficult. I just think relationship communication in heated moments is very hard, no matter what your default setting is.
Becca:
[15:33] It’s so hard.
Jewels:
[15:37] My default setting is like, I have sensory processing sensitivity, so I’m sensitive to, like, environment, light, sound, noises, oh my god, the noises… the way that clothing touches me. I keep it under wraps a lot of the time, but Zach definitely gets like the overflow when my stress builds up, and he does one thing and it wasn’t really him, but it was everything else that was sort of piled up and so it can be really hard, and I think it’s just something that takes a lot of practice and communication in the non-heated moments. Everyone loves to say like, oh, don’t go to sleep mad at each other. That is the worst advice possible for my own relationship. What I have learned after years was like, no, no, it’s fine, my hormones are raging, the environment has stressed me out, you’re stressed out. Like, I’m going to bed and in the morning I wake up, I have my coffee and I’m like, okay, cool, that was like 10% of what it felt like last night, and now we can actually talk about what was going on and address it, and it’s not that same heated moment.
Taylor:
[16:37] Totally. I’ve had those as well. I think what helps me a lot is I will admit in the moment when I know I’m being irrational, like even… I’ll be like, listen, I’m really mad about this. I know it’s dumb to be mad about this and it is fucking stupid and I…
Maggie:
[16:52] But it’s how I feel!
Taylor:
[17:03] But it’s how I feel, yes, and I’m like, I know I’m being an asshole right now and I know this isn’t actually like, how I… this is not actually what I think, but this is how I feel in the moment. And that helps, that allows me to express myself when I can admit, like, I know I’m being irrational right now, I know I’m saying something inconsiderate or I know I’m being an asshole, but I just need to say it.
Taylor:[19:42] It’s hard when you’re mad to be like… yeah.
Becca:
[19:55] I’m like, I’m not aggressive, I’m like the delicate flower where if anyone says anything mean to me, I just start crying. So, and I’ve dated some very angry people and I’ve outside of dating had very angry people in my life and in my like, past years. So, like, anger is a huge trigger for me.
So like, if someone’s angering at me, I just shut down and like, as an adult, I’ve gotten better at being like, I’m going to let you do this, I’m gonna outside. But um, if, like, the idea of, like, my partner being an asshole to me and being like, I’m sorry I’m saying these awful things to you, but I have to say it to feel better. Like, it’s… that would be unacceptable to me. Like, it would be a… this would never work.
Jewels:
[20:42] Oh, I couldn’t handle it either. So I am high aggression. Yeah, I’m high aggression personally, but I am also extremely sensitive. If Zach…
Becca:
[20:50] Are you a flower too?
Jewels:
[20:56] Like the instant there was like a confrontational thing. I’m just like… ahh! In fourth grade they had the color system, which I had never been subject to before. You know where they like pull a color if you do something wrong. Well, I’d had something I got like 100% on, but you had to get your homework signed by your parents so that they could verify that your parents saw your grade, which is really for the kids who didn’t do well on it and I totally forgot and it didn’t happen and they pulled my damn color for it and I just like bawled in class because I had my color pulled.
Becca:
[21:26] Yeah. Yeah.
Jewels:
[21:29] This level of sensitivity, and that has continued.
Becca:
[21:30] Yeah, I get it.
Jewels:
[21:32] So I am just very lucky that my husband is wired in a completely different way than me and he is very nice because I couldn’t handle dating myself.
Becca:
[21:38] Oh, I’m just, I’m just like, I recognize… I have, my thing that I like to see therapists about is my aversion to anger, because it’s not like… anger is an emotion that has to exist. Um, so I just don’t make a good partner to an angry person because they get so mad because they’re like, they’re like angering, but not at me. It’s like at me because I’m in the room, but they’re not angry at me. They’re just angry.
Jewels:
[21:38] They want you to participate.
Becca:[21:40] Yeah. And then I’m crying. Like, you’re scary because your voice is loud. And then he’s like, what are you doing?
Maggie:
[22:10] Why are you crying?
Taylor:
[22:15] Yeah, to me, I… it’s weird because I have such a different, and we’ve talked about this many times, but like, I have such a different relationship with anger, because for me anger isn’t like this huge thing. It’s like another fleeting emotion. It’s like the same as any other emotion. It’s like I’ll be angry and I’m not angry at my partner, but I’m angry in the room. I’m just like, oh god this fucking bullshit, email, blah, blah, blah, work, whatever. And it doesn’t like, it has nothing to do with… it’s like not.. and then I get over instantly. That’s the thing, is I get over anger so quickly. So to me, it’s not a big deal. Like I’ll be really mad and then I’ll get over it in like 10 seconds because I need to let it out. It’s like a thing I need to let out and let it go. I don’t like holding onto it.
Maggie:
[23:03] Taylor, I’m sorry Julie and Becca might be relating and me and you might be relating because I’m kind of like that, too. Or I’m like, I had rough day at work. Raaah! Anyway, cool.
Taylor:
[23:09] Yeah.Right. And then you’re fine. Yeah, but Joey is really good in that he does like, he’s very receptive to it. He understands that I’m not mad at him.
Becca:
[23:22] Yeah, I think, I think, and I mean I think a lot of people who might struggle with anger issues, like I do, it just comes from like a very deep childhood place or maybe a traumatic relationship place where like when you were around anger, it was a genuinely scary thing and that doesn’t… I don’t know if you can age out of it, you know, like, yeah.
Taylor:
[23:38] Yeah. Yeah it’s just yeah… I agree. Well the Enneagram thing I thought that you had mentioned… Becca made us all do any Enneagrams like years ago and it’s the only personality test that I actually think is even a little bit legitimate. But because I’m very like… I think personality tests are bullshit most of the time. But Enneagram was really interesting because it made me realize such a different, like how you interpret maybe some things that I do that I don’t interpret the same way. Like if I’m doing something or saying something you could interpret it in a completely different way than I intended to be interpreted. Which really did open my eyes a lot to like, oh maybe people don’t interpret things that I say and do the same way that I mean them to, which is an obvious thing. But when you read the personalities and how they perceive the world, how different people perceive the world, it really does kind of like make you more empathetic to how other people might be viewing the same situation in a different way. But, and all that to say is I think it’s a great thing to do with your partner just to see like how you both communicate and how you might miscommunicate in certain situations. And same with your friends too.
Maggie:
[24:56] Well, I’m a Gryffindor so…
Becca:
[24:58] And a Type 1, and Taylor’s Type 1 and Joeys’ a Type 1. I love all these Type 1s.
Taylor:
[25:01] Yeah. We’re all Type 1s.
Maggie:
[25:03] I can’t remember what I was.
Jewels:
[25:07] You’re a Type 1. Perfectionist.
Becca:[25:07] You’re a Type 1.
Maggie:
[25:08] Okay, well, that makes sense. Do like things perfect. You’re right.
Jewels:
[25:18] Yeah. Uh, okay. So you touched on it briefly, but you and Phil are about to move in together. What are you excited about? What are you worried about? How are you navigating that in advance?
Maggie:
[25:32] Right now it’s mostly excitement because the things that we… argue’s not even the right word, but the areas where we butt heads housewise will be resolved in this house. Like one of them is that we don’t have a dishwasher right now. And I hate dishes and she loves cooking. Like, it’s a hard dynamic and I love her cooking. It’s so amazing. And like, I eat such nutritious and amazing food. But then I just hate dishes so much. So we’ll have a dishwasher and so we can both have what we want. And then the other thing that we argue about sometimes is the bathroom, um like one of us will be like, I have to pee and then the other one will run in there real quick, like just to be a dick. I’m in the bathroom, beat you bitch!
Taylor:
[26:21] That reminds me I have to pee.
Maggie:
[26:22] And like, that can be a problem sometimes. Um, but we’ll have two bathrooms and we will each be assigned a designated bathroom. That‘ll be good. Yep. So mostly there aren’t a lot of worries right now but that’s not to say there aren’t unforeseen things that will come up.
Taylor:
[26:46] Yeah it’ll be exciting to discover those things.
Maggie:
[26:47] The only I guess…Yeah. One thing that I worry about, because I’ve lived alone for so long. One thing I worry about with any roommate is that I have a very specific style and design and like a way that I like my place to look and feel, and it’s very unique to me specifically and so merging that with another person’s environment, sometimes I’m like yeah but like let’s make it like how I want it.
Taylor:
[27:15] The same way, I like want my stuff. I want my art all over the walls.
Maggie:
[27:18] Yeah. And so I will need to find how to be happy not having my way all the time. I’ve lived alone for so long that if I want something in my house on my wall I put it there or if I don’t like something in my house, it’s not in my house and that is a freedom that I’m about to lose.
Becca:
[27:39] It is. You’re going to get all kinds of like velvet posters.
Maggie:
[27:41] Black light room. But luckily Phil and I have a pretty similar taste in a lot of things and we’ve already talked about how we want to decorate the house. We both agree on paint colors and styles for the rooms and everything. So I think even that will be fine. Um yeah, so there’s probably some unforeseen stuff but as far as communicating about it, mostly it’s just been like, I’m a planner and a perfectionist. So I have every detail like to the T ironed out already, and the way I preemptively strike issues is like, here’s the schedule for moving, write it down in your fucking calendar. We’re doing this on Monday, this on Tuesday, this has to be done by Wednesday, like it’s the cable guy’s coming on Thursday.
Becca:
[28:35] Taylor’s got a spreadsheet for everything. I love it so much. I asked her, I was like, hey, what’s our plan for Mother’s Day weekend? She’s like, check the spreadsheet. And my favorite part is she’s got like location, time, date, attendees, does it cost anything? And then the last column is some sort of image that corresponds with the activity. So one of the activities is like, us doing yoga and she just puts in this document a picture of people doing yoga.
Maggie:[27:36] That sounds amazing.
Jewels:
[29:09] I didn’t think that I could love y’all anymore and I have been proven wrong.
Maggie:
[29:22] Send me this spreadsheet immediately.
Jewels:
[29:21] Oh, I need to up my game. This has also made me feel way more normal for literally having like my project management software that I use for my business, I also have projects related to the house and the yard and the house has recurring cleaning tasks that get assigned to me or my husband.
Becca:
[29:40] Wow, that’s amazing.
Taylor:
[29:45] Actually I need that.
Becca:[29:45] Yeah, we could use that as the…
Jewels:
[29:46] But it is, it is seriously lacking stock images of vacuuming and toilets.
Maggie:
[29:54] In case you forgot what vacuuming was.
Becca:
[30:03] Well I like it because presumably it was just for you, right?
Jewels:
[30:09] I appreciate you went to the Nth degree for yourself.
Taylor:
[30:13] Thank you.
Jewels:
[30:17] So, you and Joey moved in together last year.
Taylor:
[30:17] Mm hmm. Yeah, I was going to say one of my favorite things about Joey is that he doesn’t care about aesthetics so I get to make all of the decisions and he’s just like, yeah, that looks good. Like great. I’m glad you agree with me. It makes it a lot easier because I have friends who have moved in together and their partners are very… very much care about having a say and how things look, which is fair. Um, but it causes a huge, like so many fights I’ve seen uh, have been over like where to put things, what to hang up, where to get rid of, like when it comes to moving in together. And I’m so glad I completely avoided all of that. Because Joey is just like yeah, whatever.
Becca:
[31:04] Mhm.
Taylor:
[31:05] I think he had, he had like a couple of things he really wanted to keep and I was like fine, we can put them somewhere. But um, yeah.
Maggie:
[31:09] We’ll find some back room for those.
Taylor:[31:09] Yeah.
Jewels:
[31:13] So what happened… the more major points of friction or how did y’all talk about before moving in together?
Becca:
[31:14] Well, also, it should be noticed that Taylor and Joey kind of immediately moved in together because Taylor was in a transitional place as far as like, places to live. So even though they just moved into the house together, they’ve been essentially living together for the year prior. Right, would you say that’s fair?
Taylor:
[31:34] Yeah, because I was staying, like I moved back from California to help with my dad. And so I was staying with my parents, but me and Joey started dating, so I was downtown all the time and since he lives so far away, I was pretty much at Joey’s house all the time and he lived with two other guys and none of them cared about cleaning or keeping the place a livable… in livable conditions. So we already kind of figured out like a lot of that stuff. One thing, I actually told Becca about this a while ago, but we were doing laundry and I had all the clean clothes out on the bed and we were…
Becca:
[32:07] Is this an important story?
Taylor:
[32:10] This is an important story. And, um I was folding up all the clothes and we got down to the hand towels, and the socks, like the, like the kitchen stuff, you know, like kitchen towels and things like that, and he just left them on the bed for me to do. And I noticed that he does this every time, every time there’s like bath towels, kitchen towels… anything that’s like…
Jewels:
[32:33] Not his own.
Taylor:
[32:36] He leaves it for me to do. And so one day I was like, yeah, so I was like, why do you leave the dish towels for me to fold? Why is this my responsibility?
Maggie:
[32:40] Yeah.
Taylor:
[32:46] It makes me feel like I’m, like you see me as the homemaker, like wife that needs to like fold up all the dishes and towels. I was like, this is also your responsibility and the fact that you leave it to me tells me exactly what you think about our dynamic. And he was like, oh, I didn’t even realize I did it. And I was like, you do it every time, you always leave it for me to fold up all of the towels, all of the sheets, anything shared. I was like, you use this just as much as I do and you should also be folding it if you see that it’s there. I don’t need to tell you where our sheets go. The emotional labor that you’re putting on me all the time to tell you where things are when I already have 20 other things that I’m doing. Like, I don’t think he realizes all the things in my head that I’m thinking of all the time. I’m constantly cleaning up. I’m constantly making sure that like, oh, I got to do this this weekend. I have to fix that. This isn’t like, I have to go check the mail. I have to make sure that I did this. Like, I already have a million things on my list and you’re putting the burden on me to figure out where the fucking sheets go. I’m like, go look, it’s just… it’s shit like that where I’m like, you just, you want a mom to take care of you because you have been told your whole life that you should be taken care of by a woman.
Jewels:
[33:59] It’s such an important thing to realize because a lot of people don’t connect with the behaviors that they’ve been trained into. So a lot of, like in this instance, men don’t think they participate in misogyny, but they don’t realize that it was just trained behavior for them. It’s not intentional on their part.
Taylor:
[34:17] And it’s not malicious either.
Jewels:
[34:24] Right. But it requires intention to change that behavior to be aware of that behavior and realize it’s even happening in the first place.
Taylor:
[34:27] And they don’t realize the like… that comic book that you sent me. They don’t realize the emotional labor they put on us when they’re asking us to do all these additional tasks in addition to the things we already do every day as a woman.
Maggie:
[34:41] Well, this is another reason to be gay.
Jewels:
[34:40] It’s not a hard sell Maggie. It’s not a hard sell.
Taylor:[34:44] I’m finding more and more every day.
Maggie:
[34:41] Yeah, no, I’m sure, I’m sure, no, I’m sure it happens. I’m sure it happens in queer relationships too though, I mean it depends on a whole myriad of factors. Um but yeah, I would say that even though Phil is a professional cleaner, she’s definitely cleaner than me as far as like, literally sanitizing things, but I am tidier and even that causes issues and it’s like levels of cleanliness, we’re both clean, like that kind of thing. And I know Julie you struggle with this as well, where it’s like there’s no there’s no level of clean that’s clean enough. At some point, I’m always going to be upset about how things, like if I were to sit and stare at my house for more than five minutes, I would find something with dust on it and be like, I’ve got to clean it now.
Jewels:
[35:37] I literally want… I was raging to Maggie about this earlier this week with Zach, but I was literally like, I want half as much stuff in my house and nothing on a single horizontal surface. I just want that every day, and I don’t want to have to do it every day. Yeah. Clear visual sounds.
Becca:
[35:53] I like that, I like really clean surfaces.
Jewels:[35:53] Yeah. Clear visual sounds.
Taylor:
[35:59] I just tidy… I’m just like I’m constantly picking things up and putting things away.
Maggie:
[36:04] When I lived with a boy though, my very best good friend George, he was neither clean nor tidy, but… when we first start living together, but I found that if I was like, hey George, can you clean up the counter? He’d be like, oh I didn’t even think about the counter being dirty, sure I’ll clean it now that you’ve asked me to and over time, now he’s a very clean person.
Becca:
[35:53] Oh that’s nice.
Jewels:
[36:29] It’s like his awareness was very low but his…
Maggie:
[36:29] Yeah, he wanted to change and he worked on it.
Jewels:[36:29] Yeah, his willingness to do it was actually perfectly high, yeah, perfectly normal.
Becca:
[36:37] I just don’t, I just don’t want to be a project manager and I feel like that’s how it ends up.
Maggie:
[36:44] Do you think that would happen with Andy?
Becca:
[36:46] I’ve talked to him about it like a lot already. Not because he’s good at… he’s really good at anticipating needs and I’ll like brace for him not to and he’ll be like, oh, I saw that we were out of this, so I’m picking it up and I’m like, oh my god, I can’t even tell you how sexy that is. Like for me not to have to tell you to go see if the dog shit in the room and to clean it and he’s like, I think just me being responsible and I was like, yes, it is. It’s the project manager thing. It drives me crazy pattern.
Jewels:
[37:14] It’s a really, really easy pattern to fall into, especially as women, because you have to make this decision. Do I just take over and make this effective and efficient and a less confrontational experience for both of us? Or do we reset the stage early in the relationship and find our own balance, which is a much harder path to take, and it takes even more energy than the emotional labor you were doing by just handling it.
Becca:
[37:30] Exactly. That’s why sometimes… or I’ll often go for the former where you’re just like, oh my god, because you feel… and you feel like a mom where you’re like, hey, will you take the trash out? Even though, you know it’s full. Like we both know it’s full. Why do I have to ask?
Taylor:
[37:58] Exactly, and then you get in that role where if you’re constantly pointing it out to them like, hey, you’re making me be the mom here, then it feels like you’re nagging them.
Jewels:
[38:09] Well in hitting a perfect 50-50 balance in any relationship is probably impossible. So I almost find myself, I’m exceptionally spoiled. Zach is an amazing person with his own flaws, we all have them, but I almost find it like if we have a day where it’s a 40-60 split where he is doing 40%,
then like I want the 60-40 split on the other side and I can be like, I set really high standards, god bless that man.
Becca:
[38:46] He loves you so much.
Jewels:
[38:46] Thank god, but it’s so hard to like hit a consistent 50-50 or anything in that range. Yeah, it’s really hard, but just having a partner who is open to having those discussions, he will listen to me when I’m like, this really matters to me and I know you don’t care if it’s below my standards, like that’s perfectly fine for you, you’re happy in this environment, but I need it to be this way, and he does try, really hard.
Taylor:
[39:08] Yeah, I will yeah, I will say the same about Joey. He does care and he will listen when I am upset about something and he does try.
Jewels:
[39:15] But it’s hard when it’s those things that require, like daily habits, like Maggie, you say you’re a very tidy person, you like your visual spaces clear, so you have habits that facilitate that.
Taylor:
[39:16] It’s hard though. Yeah.
Maggie:
[39:26] I clean the whole house every day.
Jewels:
[39:27] Yeah, exactly. So it’s hard for a partner to live up to that when they don’t have the habit of it.
Taylor:
[39:28] Yeah.
Jewels:
[39:34] It’s a process.
Taylor:[39:28] It is a process.
Maggie:
[39:35] I clean the whole house every day and I have professional cleaners come.
Jewels:[39:35] You’re amazing.
Taylor:
[39:38] That is truly another level.
Maggie:
[39:43] But yeah, you’re right Phil could never live up to that. It’s an impossible bar to have set.
Taylor:
[39:48] Yeah, it is something you do have to work on I think and you know, obviously like relationships change and you kind of have to learn to like grow together and find compromises and all that shit.
Becca:
[40:02] Can’t you just tell someone this is the partner you want and they just have to fit into that exact mold?
Taylor:
[40:05] Yeah. Unfortunately, see what they do is they trick you into thinking they’re that partner at the beginning where they’re like yeah I’m all those things. And they get their little claws in there in there and then they get comfortable and over time they let things slip…
Becca:
[40:22] That’s why ladies you gotta stay financially independent. So they know at any point in time you’re like, I bought this condo.
Maggie:
[40:29] You’re here because I want you to be, never let them feel safe.
Taylor:
[40:29] Do the opposite of what Maggie said. Don’t let them feel like they’re good and that your relationship is, never let them feel safe. Constant orgasms.
Jewels:
[40:41] Financial independence is the womanizer of relationships be that. So tell us….
Taylor:
[40:50] But it’s constant money coming in.
Jewels:
[40:50] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, relationships are so complicated because everyone’s family is different, their upbringings different, ages can be different. All of these things can sort of factor together. It just, it’s messy. Takes practice.
Taylor:
[41:07] No, it was just something dumb. I would say when I was flying over, like Austin coming in, I was looking at all the houses and I was thinking about that, I was like, man, like just the two people, like everyone living next door to each other has, like, even though they have the similar upbringings as they’re living the same neighborhood, maybe socioeconomic backgrounds, they’re still like all different and they all have like different experiences that affect who they become and like it’s weird because we’re all the same, but we’re all different and I just got… I spiraled, I spiraled.
Jewels:
[41:37] Did you rub some cannabis lube on before the flight? It’s very empathetic of you to be aware of that.
Taylor:
[41:38] No, this is my life, this is my fucking life. I think about that shit all the time.
Jewels:
[41:49] That’s crazy. Okay. Becca, with all of this emotional discord you’ve heard from us about living with partners, want to tell us about how you’ve set up your new relationship? Any lessons you’ve learned from previous ones or important discussions you’ve had or excitement or worries about the future of relationships.
Becca:
[42:06] Yeah. I mean we’re still just definitively in the honeymoon period where everything’s just like, everything about you is cute. Yeah.
Jewels:
[42:17] It’s great. It’s great. It’s great. It’s great. It’s great. They are too fucking too fucking cute, too fucking cute.
Taylor:
[42:18] I can confirm that being a witness to it often, it’s a little annoying.
Becca:
[42:21] Yeah, so like we’re still at that point where just like why would we have a conflict? Are you kidding me?
Taylor:
[42:34] Right, we’re perfect.
Becca:
[42:36] Yeah.
Jewels:
[42:37] I mean they are perfect so…
Becca:
[42:41] Yeah um, definitively not. But yeah, no, I mean I’ve yes, we have had some really great conversations about kind of expectations and like, things that make us feel particular, like things that are like we’re sensitive to or like triggers or whatever that we have that make us feel particularly rejected and every week I ask like what’s something that made you feel really loved this week just so I can start building an inventory.
Jewels:
[43:11] That’s lovely, I think I need to try that.
Taylor:
[43:12] That is really cute, I should do that.
Becca:
[43:14] It’s, well, I mean he doesn’t…
Taylor:
[43:16] The answer is always blowjobs.
Becca:
[43:20] Um yes…
Maggie:
[43:21] Write that down again.. eventually just have a list blowjob, blowjobs
Becca:
[43:33] Yeah, so yeah, no, we have, luckily we don’t, we’re not having… we’re not not having any like real conversations, but like I, we certainly are so early on that, you know, it’s not even comparable to any relationships that I’ve been through any sort of strife or anything, but you know, we also do have the benefit of 15 years of knowing each other and 10 years of close friendship and growing closeness as the years progressed so at least we’re not starting at zero in that end either. We’ve certainly seen each other at not our best.
Maggie:
[44:08] I thought of something I wanted to say.
Becca:
[44:10] Oh.
Maggie:
[44:13] I have a friend who was in a really long term relationship, I want to say like 10 or 12 years? And they broke up with each other and I was talking to my friend about it and I was like, you know, tell me about it. She’s like, well one of the things that she said was that I just stopped doing the little things like they became not important at some point. I think I’ve seen Zach be really good about always remembering to do small things, he always buys flowers or something like that. It’s something that I consciously try very hard to think about and you saying what’s something that makes you feel loved this week? made me think of that because it’s like you’re constantly checking in and don’t lose that. I mean it doesn’t have to be every week, but just don’t forget that, you know, just because you’ve been with someone for 10 years doesn’t mean they don’t like some… a little check in every now and again or like a little tiny present every now and again. Like just little things are important.
Taylor:
[44:13] Presents.
Maggie:
[45:03] I write Phil a letter every month and in the letter…
Taylor:
[45:04] Leave that in the podcast.
Maggie:
[45:05] Just so you three know. I love presents.
Taylor:[45:04] Just so everyone listening knows I love little presents.
Maggie:
[45:11] But yeah. I write Phil a letter every month and I write down all of the favorite, my favorite things we did in the past month together. It’s like a short, it’s like two sentences like, hey, love you bunches, in this past month here’s some of my favorite things we did together. It’s just like, I don’t know when we’re like 50, if I keep up with it, going back and looking at those will be really fun.
Becca:
[45:33] Oh, me and Andy try to take a naked selfie every week because… like together. Because I was like, because in 60 years I want a Buzzfeed article to come out about these old people.
Taylor:
[45:46] That would be amazing.
Becca:
[45:47] Hundreds of nude photos together.
Taylor:
[45:47] I love that.
Jewels:
[45:51] Sexy aging through the decades.
Taylor:
[45:53] I do think me and Joey are at that point where we’ve been together for over two years now, almost three, two and a half. And we’re like, we have to start kind of thinking about that stuff. Like I’ve been really conscious of being like, let’s not just like be a default, you know what I mean for each other. Like, we should still… like we still have to work at those things and like try to be engaged in conversations and I bought these like little conversation starter packs that we all ended up playing, they were like kind of fun. But um, or yeah, just like doing silly things like that or like, you know, I plan like a surprise date and he’s planned a little surprise date.
Maggie:
[46:33] Like I’m going to get dressed up for you today.
Taylor:
[46:33] Yeah, just like stuff yeah, just stuff that I never do that.
Maggie:
[46:33] Actually brush my hair.
Taylor:[46:33] I don’t do that for anybody. Uh no, but yeah, just things like that that you know, keep things…
Jewels:
[46:47] Just remind you or give you touch points.
Taylor:
[46:49] Yeah. Exactly.
Jewels:
[46:57] My mental health has been quite turbulent in certain years, Zach and I have been together over 15 years now I think, and so, like, he’s seen me through depression when I was a very angry, upset person and then even just like those sort of lulls in the relationship, and it’s amazing when like, when Becca you mentioned the um, those check ins, like, what made you feel loved this week? There was a period of time where it kind of felt like, oh, Zach’s not getting enough emotional attention from me, like we’re in each other’s space all the time and we’re living life together, but he’s not getting the emotional attention from me and then I just started picturing him as this like, really adorable little flower that needs watering.
Maggie:
[47:37] He is.
Jewels:
[47:38] He is, he is this beautiful flower that needs watering.
Taylor:
[47:44] He’s one of those… um what do you? The chia pets?
Jewels:
[47:50] Yes, that’s the beard, the chia pet beard. But it just totally changed my daily perspective on our relationship and our treatment of each other and those little things or the little bit moments of affection which made such a big difference and then retrained those habits. Because it is really hard as the years stretch on and you just get comfortable and things drop away.
Taylor:
[48:07] Yeah, but that’s also the exciting thing is that, to me knowing that you can change your relationship and it is something that is.. molds and grows and you know, you can have periods where you’re depressed and angrier, you’re happy and it’s kind of comforting to know that it doesn’t have to always be one thing, it’s not just permanent and it’s like this is always going to be hard and this will always be easy and whatever, whatever, like it’s constantly changing and evolving and you change as a person, like everybody changes as they have more experiences and they grow and it’s nice to be able to like change together and find ways to be like, you know, you’re a new person every… you know every year and it’s a way to… it’s almost like you’re having a relationship with someone new and different.
Becca:
[48:51] That is a comforting thought.
Jewels:[48:53] Va va voom.
Taylor:
[48:53] Yeah, like this whole like, Joey trying to be healthy now. I’m like, I never thought I would see this side of you ever. And it’s kind of exciting, not because I care what he looks like, but it’s like something different. Like he’s interested in something different and I’m like, ooh, this is like an exciting new thing that you’re doing. Like what? You want me to buy spinach?
Jewels:
[49:12] What?
Becca:
[49:14] I.. something I tell Andy a lot is that I’m always… I tell them I’m excited to see what weird phases we go through. And I was like, I hope we go through a lot of weird phases.
Taylor:
[49:15] Yes, totally. Yes.
Becca:
[49:21] Like maybe we’re going to be like 5am runners at some point in our life or like maybe we’ll be weird meditators or like, you know, like we might get into some weird shit and I just want to always leave space for like those weird phases.
Taylor:
[49:27] Agreed.
Maggie:
[49:37] I’m suddenly very focused on dog life, which is not something I thought was going to happen to me.
Jewels:
[49:45] I will love y’all even if you become 5am runners.
Becca:
[49:48] Well we said it because we were walking around Town Lake and we were like ugh, what if we were running couple?
Taylor:
[49:48] Oh my God, that is a thing. Yeah.
Becca:
[49:54] They’re so annoying.
Taylor:
[49:56] The couple… we saw some people in Costa Rica and I was like that couple works out together at like 5am every day and I hate them.
Jewels:
[50:00] Be the meditation or tantric couple okay.
Becca:
[50:05] I mean that’s more likely. And honestly the judgement that I’m sending towards you runners is pure jealousy because I have zero capacity.
Taylor:
[50:12] It is, it’s 100% jealousy when I see those toned thighs and I’m like, fuck you.
Jewels:[50:12] Let’s talk about a real glass ceiling here.
Maggie:
[50:19] You know what Phil would love us to be? Which I refuse.
Jewels:
[50:23] Matching.
Maggie:[50:19] The lesbians who wear the same clothes.
Taylor:
[50:23] Yeah.
Maggie:
[50:27] I won’t do it. I will not do it. And she wants it more than anything.
Taylor:
[50:30] Nah.
Jewels:
[50:31] So like only on her birthday.
Maggie:
[50:35] Yeah. Like one… well for Christmas, I think we both wore striped shirts and gray jackets, it was like different stripe shirts and different gray jackets just like, we’re getting closer. We’re almost there.
Taylor:
[50:36] Oh my God. That’s funny. See I would, I I think that would be hilarious if me and Joey wore matching outfits.
Becca:
[50:51] I mean, ya’ll basically do, they just wear black all the time when they go out.
Taylor:
[50:51] Mostly just black, yeah.
Becca:
[51:03] She says. Uh yeah, so you were talking a little bit about what like the relationship transition I guess, that you could call you and Zach going through and that might be in regards to your working situation.
Jewels:
[51:05] Well, yeah, I think to a lot of people’s working situation now, because more and more people are working remotely, this may become more of an option. But the most recent, which is not super recent, but a more recent relationship transition that Zach and I went through is actually spending more time apart, where I would leave the country and go travel or even if we had travel that was together, I’d leave a month ahead of him and we would sort of live solo lives and then reconvene. And that was a big step because early in our relationship we lived thousands of miles apart and that was really rough, and then we started businesses together at the age of like 19 so then we were in each other’s space 24 hours a day and that’s a whole other side of the spectrum but it was so much better than being so far apart. And so then it made this really attached circumstance where it’s like I only want to be around you all the time, I don’t want to be apart from you.
Taylor:
[51:05] Really co-dependent.
Jewels:
[51:06] Yes, yes. On my part, more than Zach’s. And then reaching this part where I was like, was a really independent person, so much of my life, why have I created this circumstance, where, like, you can’t leave me, you know, and then sort of regaining that independence and tapping back into my own personality. I mean, like, no, it’s okay if I’m alone, if I’m going off on an adventure and doing that kind of thing and sort of, sort of doing that. So I spent a lot of time with Maggie traveling abroad and then doing some solo trips by myself, and it was just really amazing to experience, because when you’re with a partner, you do fall into certain roles and Zach is such a great, like, he cares so much and he’s really great at just like picking up and doing things so he’ll organize transport and do all that stuff already.
Taylor:
[53:03] They’re like your security blanket, like your comfort zone.
Jewels:
[53:05] Absolutely, yeah. And if that’s just their natural thing and you start to rely on them, you can forget whether or not you are even capable of those things, but doing solo travel as a woman is so important. It’s something that I’ve sort of come to realize because you realize like, oh, I’m totally capable of actually doing these things of being independent. I can still appreciate this person, have this relationship that actually only gets better when you sort of tap back into your own independence, but that you’re not totally co-dependent on them and with a lot more people’s work going remote the opportunities once you know, people are vaccinated and the quarantines are sort of lifted, that type of stuff, the options for people to actually explore that solo travel side is a whole new frontier for a lot of people that they couldn’t do with their work situation before. Whereas now they could be like, hmm I’m going to go take my job with me to Italy for a month, but when the work day ends, I’m going to go out for some wine and cheese.
Taylor:
[54:06] Exactly what my mom did, I’m going to go to Costa Rica for a month.
Jewels:
[54:07] Totally.
Maggie:
[54:12] It’s definitely in my future if you want to solo female travel with me Julie.
Jewels:
[54:16] Yes, I would love to. And it’s hard, it has its own difficulties because I do really love being around Zach. But you know when you’re living with someone all the time, we don’t work normal jobs where we have to go to an office, it’s nice to miss someone and then come home.
Becca:
[54:32] It’s an important part I think.
Jewels:
[54:36] That’s an amazing feeling, to realize that you like being around someone, sometimes you have to leave to realize that.
Maggie:
[54:46] I love Phil a lot and I would not want to change our relationship for anything, but I do think it’s important to note that there were moments in my single life that I very much valued. There’s a lot of independence, um kind of like when I was talking about living alone, like my choices affected only me and therefore I could make a choice on the… what’s the saying?
Taylor:
[55:08] Turn of a dime?
Maggie:
[55:09] Turn of a dime? I could make a choice very quickly.
Taylor:
[55:09] Is that it?
Maggie:
[55:09] The head of a nail? Turn of a dime, head of a nail.
Jewels:
[55:17] Cheers.
Maggie:[55:09] But you can make a… last week, you’d be like, I want to go to fucking Europe tomorrow and spend three weeks there or like, I’m going to quit my job and like, just see what fucking happens. Like, I could do those things and not worry about someone else’s wellbeing, being attached to it and like that freedom is so nice, but it’s so worth it to have a loving relationship that I wouldn’t go back. But what you’re saying is that solo travel part kind of brings a little bit of that freedom back.
Jewels:
[55:49] And deepens the relationship, like it’s both sides and it took me a long time to get to that point, probably 10 years into our relationship before I was like, okay, I’m going, and not because I was trying to get away from him, but because I really wanted to go travel and do these things and he..
Taylor:
[56:06] You wanted to find yourself.
Jewels:
[56:10] No, no I was not out of touch with myself, I just…
Becca:
[56:11] You were eat, pray, loving.
Jewels:
[56:18] I’m very nomadic by nature and I need to do that level and he’s not the same. And that’s like, it was reaching that point where I was like, OK, we’ve done a lot of travel together, we each have figured out exactly the amount that’s sort of right for each of us and it’s not the same. So instead of having to have one of us match the other it was like, oh no, we can just spend some time apart so that you’re at home the amount you want to be at home and I’m abroad the amount I want to be abroad.
Maggie:
[56:44] This is my normal talking voice.
Becca:
[56:46] Is it?
Maggie:
[56:44] This is my normal talking volume.
